_ Where do I begin and end
   as a conscious being
      connected to all things
         to plant, animal, mountain, stream,
            microbes, bacteria, particles,
              animate and inanimate matter,
                 if my genes speak to the environment
                   telling it what I see
                     and in so doing I change my environment
                    as it is changing me,
                   if time is an illusion
                  for the purposes of learning lessons
                that build one upon another
              then where am I now in my learning
                  with all my soul family,
                all my relations on Earth and in the Cosmos,
              what can we see collectively
            if we are part of a larger consciousness
            undergoing an evolutionary shift
             from out of the chaos of systems breaking down
              climate changes, weather extremes, personal and global health challenges,
               democracy crying out, old justifications for war being challenged
                 by generations younger and those who have become
                   disenchanted with the stories of power
                     in the hands of
                      the unseen hand
                       of a market ‘place’,
                       if place and time are cultural creations
                      and in every field of thought
                    from politics and science
                  to technology and economics,
                bleeding through the old theories
              can we see glimpses of a new worldview
            a new blueprint for Creation,
         gently and not so gently
          breaking through?
    
           If none can stop an evolutionary wave
             moving through the cosmos,
                if this inner quaking
                  rises from my very dna,
                     does this commitment to participate
                       consciously in my own evolution,
                         to embrace a
                           whole new Field of perception
                             make me a pioneer,
                           crossing the frontier of a worldview
                         that expands beyond Earth
                       while including her?
                     Having embarked on this evolutionary journey
                   with my eyes and my heart set
                 on my highest frequencies of being
               I am realizing that there is no turning back
             no going back to unconsciousness,
           to holding hands with the illusion
         that I am not able to change my reality
       from the inside out.

     I admit however much outside the mainstream
    I thought I was before,
    I’ve taken a quantum leap
     the ground I stood on just months ago is disappearing
      while the new species of human
        I am consciously evolving into
         is still emerging.
          I can only describe my emerging Self
                 experientially
             for the very vocabulary
               this ‘what’ I am transforming into,
                  continues to emerge itself.
                I know I am not alone
                   in committing to this path,
                     called forth by
           planetary futurists, shamans and elders
             dubbing our new species with names like
               homo luminoso
               homo universalis
               homo noeticus
               homo progressivus

     Ironically I will admit today
   this path can still be a lonely one
while embracing that I am more
  than a solo conscious being,
   operating in form,
    that I belong to a Larger Family, 
     a larger framework,
        a larger story.
          New relatedness,
        mixing with the pre-existing,
      the billions of years old Story,
    this path of a pioneer
  would appear like an amazing gift,
 to make my way in all things new,
such freedom to co-create.
Yet the homework
 of becoming new
  every day
   to one’s sense of Self
     can be a lonely path too,
       this path of healing,
               integration,
           transcending self,
       stabilizing,
    consolidating,
     joining limited and unlimited,
      masculine and feminine,
        body and spirit,
         transforming Both.

 

_ I am staring at a flashing cursor
   aware that a pressure is building
      I want the gift to show up
         the grace that enables me to write
            and I stare at blank space
               blank mind
 and the impatience rolls in like a bank of fog,
    enveloping me
      inviting me
         to just let go.
   
The more I desire
       to create a bridge
          a bridge of words
             the more the neutral space
                 sifts my thoughts
                   one by one
                     until I am one with the emptiness.

There is so much I want to express
  my heart assures me
     yet my mind sits,
       gets up
   takes a stretch.
I would like to say my mind
  is becoming more like my new roommate,
    she who sits so totally present
      to the moment
        gazing out on the world below
           from our balcony.
     Her ears twitch and point
  with such focussed awareness,
     she can stare at an insect with such
         rapt attention,
    her whole body humming with
      the focus of her curiosity
        she vibrates.

The communication between us
  is often a mystery
    when her gaze meets mine
      I am easily as curious
         to see what inner state
           will appear.
 Sometimes her countenance is one
   of a gentle tolerance
     that of a lioness
      who looks knowingly
        straight into my soul.

In those moments I am like a child
  who gazes in awe at the wisdom
    held in those eyes
      and I feel so young,
        still so young
         in my journey.

         So just as my mind blank
       begins to fill
     with really simple gratitude,
   I feel another wave
 Impatience wanting to go somewhere
  say something important
    And I’m empty once more.

    If writing is a process,
     I am fighting with parts of me
       that want more
         from life,
           from me
            and somewhere inside
          anchoring all this struggle
       is this incredible peace.
     I guess I would describe that
   wellspring as my eye
 in the middle of the storm,
the still place
  that is in the centre
   and rejoices
    in the midst of chaos.

_

One word following another
   like hope hungry to be reclaimed
     I have been on this journey
       stepping away from things
       that make sense
       in a life-is-ordinary way
only to realize that what I do find
  extraordinarily beautiful
     is ordinary
        and extraordinary
           at the same time.

 

I don’t yet feel like I’ve got the hang
  of living within the paradoxes.
    I can adore Rumi’s wisdom,
       following him out into the concept
          of living in a world beyond
             right and wrong.

   Just this week I reread a chapter
    of Pema Chodron’s timeless wisdom,
      something that gave me solace
         a decade ago,
           only this time I experienced
               something new.
 I felt cornered.

As if I couldn’t dance with two complimentary
  Ways of seeing Life,
    my shadow came out defensively
       in life and death mode
          as if my belief in the wholeness of all
             was under attack.

These past 9 months I’ve wondered
  when this creative block in my writing
     might recede,
       unable to express any longer
          this evolutionary gestation process
             in words.

Sometimes the creativity came through
   in collage  or a draw to go deeper
      with co-creative gardening
        and then this Cavern
            invited me in.

   The pain I saw outside me
       came inside
           and became this huge cavern,
              one that kept expanding
       with a dark kind of spaciousnesss,
    the shadows of lifetimes
passing before me.
My fear of the Unknown
   came on in waves
      as the dimensions of this
        cavern appear to be boundless.

I want to say
  that I am getting less afraid
     of looking at darkness
       of seeing only a few feet in front of me
       at a time,
    even recognizing the more time I spend
  in this cavern
    this fathomless feeling
      of depth
        like an ocean
      with no ocean floor,
    is slowly taking on the sense
  that this climbing inside my Self
may lead me all the way ‘home’
to the peace
 in the Mind of the Creator/Creative Matrix
   of All that Is.

   That’s what I want to say,
    as everything that made sense cracks,
      opening 
        a senseless beyond
      where I feel what I don’t yet see,
         and trust
       what I don’t have any archival proof to validate.

    I want to say I’m becoming
  less bewildered,
 slowly recognizing this Awareness
doing the writing,
  that keeps on expanding
    and losing ‘my’ mind with it,
      is connected to a Me that is morphing
        into a multiincarnational identity.

Like Dorothy in the land of Oz,
  these strange and beautiful inner companions
    can interact in puzzling ways.
      It can feel as if I have completely lost my balance,
        as one of them melts down,
           these shadow selves in me,
            that tears can transform in waves
           of tender compassion
         as I see a childlike innocence shatter
       and patterns that emerge over a lifetime. 

       How can I explain these shadows I’m coming to treasure,
         to cradle the pain they express
           while feeling utterly helpless to change the source
             of it.
                Precious pain
                 that sweeps the mistakes
               of lifetimes
             into a much larger dustpan,
          illuminating lessons and a Continuity
        that moves beyond death.
     In this cavern where I discover my Self
       as an uninterrupted web of Being.

I emerge from the depths
   and I confess 
      that I return again and again.
      Despite the discomfort of finding more shadow material,
     my passion is to get used to
    the feeling
     of moving in fathomless, uncharted space,
       adjusting my breath
         to this atmosphere of the Unknown,
           it’s liberation potential. 

I uncovered an awareness
as I went to make amends
with a beloved friend
I had neglected

So many times in my hurry
to addresss her overly dry soil
I'd quietly add a container
of water
and flood her parched soil

She was always so adaptive
never showing visibly the signs of her strain
always appearing content
reaching for the sunlight
of the window
and the companionship of her garden mates outside

I never realized
until I finally came to top up her soil
and lifted up her tiny container
finding her beautiful long roots
coiled underneath
soaking up
the water I had left her standing in
so many times
what a beautiful robust root
it is that has to break through
the plastic
to keep herself alive

Completely unaware of her reality
thirsting
in the darkness below
for water
in the long intervals between my attention,
I was struck by the incredible strength
in those sturdy roots.

Having long outgrown
the container she was originally potted in,
waves of compassion
and sadness
touch me as I realize how much
I failed to see, notice, recognize.

As I wipe tenderly the dust from her leaves,
and promise to find a pot
that truly honours
the gracious and generous being
that has accompanied me
these many years
while I was so focussed on other priorities,
I know the beautiful red pot
I would gift her
if it would be of her liking.
Perhaps it will seem like a lavish gesture
out of context
or merely symbolic.

Now as the Great Divine Mother cries out
for her temples' recognition
here on Earth
and everywhere in the Cosmos,
in the dwindling of our precious time
for humanity's awakening,
I see her now.
I see her infinitely bright spirit
enduring
my lack of Awareness
and I bow to this teacher
of the dharma of compassion
as she reveals the ache in my heart
that cries out
"Forgive me for taking your precious roots for granted,
for any doubt you've inheritted,
in your inherent beauty
or my eternal appreciation
of your very Essence.
I love you more than you can feel yet
for you are the Love of my
soul's depths."

_











Like a masterful kite runner
 my soul Essence
   dances with me in this life,
     can it be that we are achieving
       this long awaited mastery
         this precious awareness
        that dissolves the separation
       of our unique roles?
      Knowing just how much line
    to let out to allow my light body
   to soar to the heights
  tasting freedom,
 this masterful kite runner seems to know
just when to rein in the cord that connects
its guiding hands to my freedom to fly
to my precious embodiment
 so the fabric of my being is not torn,
  assisting me to find gentle landings.
   How beautiful our dance is,
    soul essence and incarnate personality
     uplifted by the cosmic spiral of evolution,
       like the wind beneath us now,
         lifting my whole being to new heights.
           I feel the cord that binds
             our journeys to one another
              is releasing as
               kite and kiterunner
               become one.

_
When everything that has been dysfunctional
  or doesn’t work
    becomes even more so,
      in our workplaces, our social structures
        our relationship patterns,
       this is the moment of evolution
     we’re wired to morph in.


   Sometimes called “jump time”
  this is quantum space
where everything in Creation
takes a leap to the next level.

Marked by personal and planetary
crises and breakthrough,
   our whole planet
     is in the evolutionary change window
       I am in the window
     you are in the window
   every breath we take
 is Creation
breathing itself to the next stage
 of our evolution
  we are not the same
    we are becoming something
      new
       whole
        unifying
         unfamiliar and deeply known
           all at once

          Even in the midst
        of communication breakdowns,
       confusion and
        planetary tension points
         the whole purpose of our existence
           is re-membering Itself.
            The Oneness we are dreamed
              out of
                is singing
               to our hearts
             we have always been connected,
           Nothing can separate us from
         the Love we Are for each other
       coaxing “Let me slip the yoke from your shoulders
      and show you the Way that remembers
     how your breakthrough is mine,
   how this time of crises is an invitation
to open the door together
  to our transformation.

_   During the rising of Oka,
     at an evening gathering in the Friendship centre,
       listening to one of my sisters speaking
         within a passion that felt so important
           to my sense of solidarity
           in that moment,
         a teaching unfolded quietly.

          

          Time has a way of honing 
        and sifting what draws our attention.
       All these years later
      it is the presence of
      an elder I recall,
       whose gentle teaching
         transpired without a single word spoken.
           The grace of his weathered hand
             gliding along the metal frame
              of the chair he sat in,
                following the movements of my infant daughter
                 crawling on the floor next to him. 
                  I can recall now more vividly                 
                    than it seemed I did in the moment
                     the exchange between them
                       as they gazed at each other
                        in the unabashed way a baby
                       will drink in a face and see beyond,
                     into places I would have been
                   uncomfortable to peer into,
                 this permission extended by One
                who has nothing to hide.
              The memory of how gently he expressed
             his deep respect for her
           remains with me
         while all the other details have faded.

      The elder I aspire to be feels like this,
     like a gentle presence who sees
                                                and hears
                                                and adores
  what is taking place in the community garden,
 the kind of elder who drinks in the radiance
  of flowers and the harmony of biospheres,
    who isn’t shy to be fully present
      to Love
        for every plant, insect, bird, microbe and human
         whose wings, beaks, wet bodies,
           large or tiny
          hands and feet
        weave a tapestry of such beauty
       my whole heart lights up
         and my eyes and face cannot keep
           from expressing this joy.
 
While I am becoming the elder I aspire to be,
   I will stop to admire
     fresh mushrooms and plump earthworms
    springing up with the rain,
  whose place in our ecosystems
is as foundational as evolution itself.

I will cherish spontaneous bursts of creativity
 like a sweet south Asian call and response
   sung between 4 men
     on a construction site,
       my heart echolocating
         their playfulness
           like my cousin the bat.
          I will rejoice in fathers and mothers,
        grandparents too,
      who speak tenderly
    and listen deeply to what their young ones
  and youth are expressing.

While I am becoming the elder I aspire to be I will remember
  to treasure every person
    who stops to ask for directions,
      admires a view with me
        or braves snippets of conversation
      either one of us initiate
    that form a beautiful bridge
      between us
        with no greater purpose
          than to co-create a field
           honouring the Love we are made of.
          
         I will vibrate my
       resonant heart,
    with every awareness that falls
  in my heart pond I will ripple out
 to the whole cosmic field
  my appreciation
  while I am becoming the elder
    I aspire to be.

_


There is a story that roams my family archives
   my first response to being asked
     what I want to ‘be’ when I grow up.
        I would like to honour the wisdom
      of that 3 year old
    who I believe knew her life purpose
  in aspiring to embody the Divine Mother.

 


Standing in the position of budding elder
  I look at the altar of my life,
    through all the ceremonies I’ve lived
      and I come home to this
        long held wisdom,
          precious teachings of our first peoples
            bestowing highest honour
              on the Grandmother of us all,
              this divine feminine aspect of the Universe
              this hub of our existence
                        our well-being 
                      our healing
                   our relationship to the sacred
                our capacity to self-love.

              If I am to grow up finally
              to claim my Universal self knowing,
              I believe it to be high time
              to declare a truce
              with my masculinity,
           that which exhausts itself trying to prove
         its worthiness again and again over lifetimes.

      I am ready to make pilgrimage to the very heart
        of my sacred feminine.
           In deep reverence
             for her eternal beauty,
               I will bow before her wisdom
                                              her rhythms
                                              her balancing
                                              her great intuition
                 preparing the temple of my physical, emotional,
                     mental wellbeing,
                       aligning my spirit
                         to honour the fullness of her presence.
                           I will surrender the core of my identity,
                             all the roles I’ve ever assumed
                               over these many lives,
                                 to open my heart centre.
                               All that I have held against myself
                             I will release into the waters of rebirth,
                           the purification of self-forgiveness.

                       When I emerge from that ceremony,
                      I will be one with the most tender
                       and the most fierce,
                         this Mother self
                           who knows her own self-care
                             is indispensable to the whole,
                               one with this sister self
                                 who knows Gaia’s self-care
                                   is impossible to separate
                                      from my own,
                                     one with this spider nature
                                   that can sit at the hub
                                 of  a web of relations
                               knowing my beloveds will come
                             to visit my heartfield
                           anchoring  the rich self-wisdom
                         they already have,
                       remembering the Love their souls are made of.

                   When I am one with this sacred feminine,
                 I will occupy the centre of my temple
               and all who approach me
             with respect, and honour
               this sanctuary of my heart
                 will know peace with their own
                   deep feminine nature.
                 
                    When I grow into my full potential
                      as a Universal self
                        perhaps I will call myself
                          a planetary love activist then
                            joining my sisters and brothers
                              as we rediscover together
                                the ancient lovemaking
                                 our kitchens can hallow,
                              remembering  the ancient ways,
                            how we grow food, gather, harvest
                          and prepare it with gratitude for all our relations,
                        how we touch food,
                      touch one another and all of life with
                      reverence for the sacred,
                        laying offerings before
                          our divine mother selves
                            and the altars of our hearts.

[For all my mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, wives and daughters, my fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, husbands and sons … all my soul friends. May we come home to our true nature and embody this wisdom!]       

_ How can I love Gaia and not cherish
  every cell of our wellbeing?
    I am holding the divine riddle
      our first peoples 
        and sacred texts
         make reference to,
        of a marriage to come
       between heaven and earth.

     Is humanity the stand-in
   for an absent  father-god
 or are we the ceremony itself,
 the sacred meeting ground
  where heaven and earth
   are joined,
     universal spirit
       and earth body.

       When my heart opens
        I can feel the lovemaking
          within my being,
             my hands reach for her leaves,
               her bark, her blossoms and beautiful fruit.
              I feel warm currents of energy
            pulsing through my being
          Gaia cradles me in the curve of a tree
        laps against and cools my feet,
      drops playfully dangling from her spider’s web,
       plays with the wind before me,
        bringing forth laughter, delight, tears of recognition.
         My feet sink gently into the soft tissues
           of her riverbed
             flooding my being
               with exquisite waves of pure joy,
                  simple rhythms fill my drum
                    as I find her sacred heartbeat
                      now mine.
      
                    I find myself wondering
                  if I’ve gone mad with the mystics
                Surely I am but one soul being
                experiencing an embodiment of
                  the Creator’s love for Earth
                   magnifying itself
                     in the dna of my cells
                       exploding nebulas
                         in my heart.

_
The other day as I was blogging
  a word came to me
     to describe
     my 3 spider teachers as
     illuminati

  It felt right
   and yet I discovered a potential
    to draw controversy
      and made the choice to substitute
         another word in.

        

It isn’t the first time since I began
  this process of blogging
    that I catch myself
holding back
    something of my creative expression,
       censoring self,
         sacrificing my intuitive,
 out of a concern that the deeper
    meanings
       or wisdom
       might get lost.

I appreciate in these shifting times on Earth
  that self-discernment is
    a precious practice,
      so much is being revealed
        to each of us and all of us
          that our conscious being is trying
            to absorb
                 anchor in
                 shift toward
        this expanding sense of Self.

It is natural to contract in this rhythm
  my Universal self reminds me,
    even feeling this contraction
      intensely
        in the Light of alternating waves
          of expansion,
        in all that this evolution
          in consciousness
             embodies.

              Sometimes the creative energy
             and awarenesses come so fast and full
            I experience
             a ‘bottlenecking’
               pressure that builds like steam
                 in a volcanic vent,
                and I’m unable to translate into words
              this depth of understanding
            I am so present to what is unfolding.
         “Receiving” is the best word
        I can offer up
      for this experience of
        the grace and the power
           of this Co-creative flow
            in forming
            in forming               
            in forming

    For me to evolve
    I need
   a balance,
 one that opens  fully to the Grace in forming me
and invites
self-honest expression,
  the possibility
    of writing into the
      deeply personal,
        my multidimensional
      multi-incarnational being,
    this universality
  that honours
   soul essence in absolutely everything.